Phones: The Last Resort for Exhausted Parents
Not long ago, I went to Sam’s Club to stock up on groceries and noticed many parents shopping with their kids. Some children sat in the shopping carts, while others were carried by their parents. It should have been a heartwarming scene, but as I wandered through the aisles, I noticed something: shopping didn’t really interest the kids. They were restless, constantly asking to go home, bothering their parents, and had zero interest in what their parents were trying to buy.
At that moment, in a desperate attempt to quiet their children down, many parents handed over a phone to keep them occupied. And as you can imagine, it worked like magic. Instantly, the kids became quiet. Instantly! It was like hitting the mute button. Their attention immediately locked onto the screen, and they stopped pestering their parents altogether.
You have to admit, kids these days (especially those over 3) are surprisingly adept at using smartphones—sometimes even better than adults. They know to swipe up to see the next video, double-tap to like, and hold down the comment button (on TikTok) for a quick thumbs-up.
Watching a child giggling at a screen while effortlessly navigating it made me think: would I, in the same situation, hand over a phone just to keep the peace?
My answer is: I wouldn’t.
Both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization recommend that children aged 2-5 should have no more than one hour of screen time per day. And it’s crucial that parents co-watch quality content with their kids, engaging them in discussions or activities afterward.
But you’ve probably noticed—or maybe you’ll realize after reading this—that letting children use phones too early affects their attention span, vision, emotions, cognitive development, language skills, social interactions, and more. These subtle effects build up over time, stemming from that seemingly harmless hour a day. For a young child still developing mentally, one hour might seem trivial, but it’s quietly undermining their growth.
That’s why I believe kids under five shouldn’t be exposed to screens at all—no phones, no TVs, no iPads. It’s not because we don’t love them. It’s because they simply don’t need it.
Swiping for That Dopamine Hit: The Trap They Can’t Escape
When kids scroll through short videos or play mobile games, their brains release dopamine—a chemical that creates feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. The key word here is “temporary.” Each time they feel that way, their brain stores the memory and pushes them to seek out more of those moments.
In simple terms, it’s addiction.
Kids grow more attached to their phones because they know that just by tapping the screen, they can feel that little hit of joy again. But that joy fades quickly, and soon they’re craving more, stuck in a never-ending loop of chasing fleeting pleasure.
This behavior is highly addictive. Once the brain learns to seek gratification this way, it keeps looking for similar stimulation, making it tough to break free.
Think about it: when you take the phone away, does your child get anxious, upset, and start crying immediately? Many parents end up giving in, letting them watch a little longer. It’s understandable, but in reality, giving in only makes things worse. The child learns that if they cry, they’ll get the phone back.
And it’s not just kids—adults fall into the same trap. I remember when I first got into TikTok; I’d scroll for hours, sometimes until the middle of the night, even pulling all-nighters without realizing it. Eventually, I realized this couldn’t go on, so I uninstalled the app and managed to reset my routine. I found that deleting apps off my phone lightened my mental load significantly. These days, I barely even use WeChat anymore. I’ll share more on that in the future.
Setting a Good Example Is the Best Parenting
One major reason children become addicted to phones, beyond the dopamine rush, is one that often gets overlooked: parents themselves frequently use phones in front of their kids. Many parents don’t think it’s a big deal because they assume, “Well, I’m not letting them watch the screen.”
But have you ever considered that your behavior is silently encouraging your child’s dependence on screens? Kids are natural mimics. If they see you constantly glued to your phone, they’ll instinctively assume that’s normal and will develop a strong interest and reliance on phones too.
Kids are heavily influenced by what they see at home.
If parents are quick to anger, often fighting or throwing things, their children will see this as the way to handle problems and gradually adopt the same behaviors. On the flip side, if parents have a habit of reading, their kids will also unknowingly develop an interest in books. You’ve probably seen this in your own circle—kids often end up with personalities and temperaments very similar to their parents. As the saying goes, “Like father, like son.”
Think about it: kids are born with their parents’ genes and spend their childhood mimicking what they see. We all want our children to grow up better than we did, but if we as parents aren’t improving ourselves, how can we expect our children to break through their own limits? How can we expect them to stay away from phones if we’re always on ours?
To me, the essence of parenting isn’t about telling kids what to do but constantly improving ourselves. By setting a positive example, we naturally influence their habits, attitudes toward learning, and ways of thinking.
How Do I Get My Child Off the Phone?
We’ve talked about the effects of dopamine and imitation. The real key to helping kids break their attachment to phones isn’t complicated—it all comes down to parental actions.
Start by avoiding phone use in front of your child. Ideally, don’t let them even know phones exist. This might sound extreme, but it’s easier than you might think.
When I’m home with my child, no screen devices—whether phones, iPads, or smartwatches—are in sight. Instead, we “train our ears” with nursery rhymes played on the HomePod. I’ve memorized almost all the songs from the Super Simple Songs series, so I sing along every time. Research shows that interactive learning is much more effective than passive listening, so I believe that singing with my child is the best way to “train their ears.”
He also loves to have me read the same book over and over again. I’m almost sick of it, but he never tires of handing me the book. I think this kind of repetition is part of his learning process. Aside from reading, we crawl together in Quadro, play hide-and-seek, and engage in other interactive games, making sure he gets plenty of attention and language stimulation from me.
To encourage his love for reading, I bought a ton of Chinese and English books, many in complete sets to save the hassle of choosing individual ones. When he was little, he’d tear up paper books, so I first got him the “Spot” series of board books. The little flaps and hidden surprises in these books captivate his curiosity, and he naturally becomes engaged in the reading process.
The goal here is to reduce or eliminate his curiosity about electronic devices, allowing him to focus on what’s happening right now, engage with me, and nurture his own interests. Harvard research shows that the best time for language acquisition is before the age of 3, as children’s brains are at their peak for absorbing languages. While they can still easily pick up languages until age 7, it gets much harder after that. Providing plenty of language input and interaction during those critical early years is the key to helping them learn successfully. I’ll dive deeper into this topic in another article.
For kids who’ve already spent too much time on screens, breaking the habit isn’t easy. I’m pretty firm—rules are rules. If no phones are allowed, then that’s the rule. I’ll redirect his attention to other activities, like visiting zoos, botanical gardens, traveling, or going to libraries and bookstores. Sometimes, we explore new hobbies like learning an instrument, rock climbing, or swimming. There are plenty of fun alternatives to screens.
Of course, there are exceptions, like when a course or educational program requires an iPad or phone. In those cases, I delete all other apps on the device, leaving only what’s needed for the lesson. This way, my child won’t even know what else the iPad can do, so he won’t ask for it.
The Low-Cost Truth
Here’s an uncomfortable truth: one reason parents hand over phones and iPads is that it’s a low-cost solution. Compared to taking your child out or fostering new interests (which all cost money), a phone is already on hand, free of charge, and it works quickly to calm the child down. It’s no wonder parents turn to this option so easily.
But in the end, kids need real companionship during their childhood, which requires time, energy, and sometimes, money. Handing them a phone only wastes their time and gives parents a temporary break. It might bring some peace and quiet, but at the cost of missing opportunities to bond more deeply with your child and engage them in meaningful activities that support their growth.